Esme's 1st birthday - Looking back on the past year

Today marks a year since my daughter, Esmé entered this world. A year since I watched your mother fight floods of tears and absorb the pain to deliver you. A year since I watched your big brother, confused, sad and angry at not being able to take his little sister home.

This past year has been the hardest of my life. There is no way a year ago I could see myself being where I am now. The pain and heartbreak I felt in those early moments was unbearable. I remember thinking how can this pain ever go away. Well, it's not gone away, I've just found a way of managing it. With the support of my family, especially Georgie who I must say has been absolutely incredible, Chums baby loss service, and of course these 3 amazing dad's who I do this podcast with, they have all helped support me when I've been at my lowest.

The power of keeping active and music

I've also found that keeping active is extremely important to me now. We tackled the 3 peaks in 3 days challenge just 3 months later. Those 3 months kind of felt like Esmé was so close to me. I had a focus on getting fit and strong to take on this monstrous challenge. When it was over I took a massive dip, I felt like that's it, it's all over now, what do I do?

I realised that I needed to carry on with exercise. Before we lost Esmé going to the gym was non-existent for me, but now I attend 3-4 times a week. I use the pain of losing her as an anger release to push myself to the limit. I'm eating much healthier to what I was a year ago. I've lost over 2 stone. I am in the best physical shape since I was a child. It's sad how something so tragic happening to me has spurred me on to find a better version of myself. And I've found it. I just wish I could have my little girl by my side.

I love walking now as well. I used to think walking was a chore but now I love being outside, just breathing in fresh air. I usually put my headphones on and turn the music up to the max. I want to escape, escape the pain and noise of the the world. Sometimes I'll even find a bench have a sit and just close my eyes for a moment and try and transport myself to a concert or even back to the hospital so I can just feel Esmé on my chest.

When listening to music I try and bend the lyrics to suit the emotions that I'm feeling in that moment or try and relate to them in any way I can. I think I do that so I'm not feeling alone, it's almost as if I can share my grief with whoever is singing the song.

Mental health and sibling challenges

Although my physical health has improved my mental health has gone the opposite way, which is understandable. I've never really suffered with anxiety that much, but since losing my daughter it has been awful. Sometimes I find myself thinking the worst of every situation I'm in or about to be in. Whether it be work, going out, speaking to people about things, worrying about what people think. It's something I'm working on, but it can be so hard at times.

The biggest worry for me has been how my son Marshall is dealing with the loss of his sister. He's been so brave, but also shows that he is grieving too. It's incredibly difficult to witness. Whilst grieving myself I'm also having to see how much this effects him. We've had some really difficult conversations, some that you shouldn't have with a 5/6 year old. He is so innocent, I shouldn't have to be reassuring him that his mummy and daddy aren't going to die, I shouldn't have to listen to him tell me that he wants to go to heaven to see his sister, or see him get upset because he doesn't have a little sister to play with.

I could go on and on with all the hard chats we've had. I know in those moments I've had to be honest with him, we have a cuddle and sometimes a cry.

It's been really tricky trying to find the right answers to tell him. There's no point in lying, yes mummy and daddy will die one day, but we don't want to think about that. We are here now and not going anywhere we're both very healthy and we love him very much.

The grief of losing a baby Is like no other grief I've ever felt. One minute you can be ok, and then, it takes some little like hearing something on the radio, or seeing a new born, and bang, it hits you. Always at the wrong time too, when your doing something fun and in a happy mood. It can completely change your day.

It's weird, I won't ever forget about Esmé and what I've been through, but sometimes I just want a day off from grieving and worrying about my son. I guess in time this will become a bit more manageable.

Our first birthday plans

So Esmé is 1 today but am I celebrating or am I grieving?

The truth is, both.

The grief of losing my baby will hover in my shadows till the day I die. That pain will never leave me. I can go on to have future children but I'll always remember the daughter who's hand I never held to school or sat still while she put makeup on me.

Today is also a celebration for me and my family. Just because our daughter didn't take a breath, that means nothing. She has little squidgy cheeks like her big brother and turned in little toes, just like me. Our daughter is part of our family, just because we can't see her doesn't mean she's not with us. We will have a birthday cake and have made some special cards and crafts for her.

This spring and summer we have been swamped with butterflies, and we know that's our Esmé staying close to us. We have taken the decision to go to Whipsnade zoo for her 1st birthday. They have a butterfly habitat there which we're really looking forward to seeing. The thought of being surrounded by butterflies makes me feel so calm and almost as if I can reach out and touch her.

Before we go to the zoo we plan on going to the crematorium. There is lovely memorial garden where we have a pebble with her name on. There's something about going there that is quite relaxing for me. I see all the other pebbles alongside Esmé's and let's me know that she not alone.

In the evening me and Georgie will get Esmé's memory box out go through her things and more than likely have a little cry together.

There really is no right or wrong to spend this day I guess. We're just going to take it hour by hour and see how we feel as the day goes on.

I can't thank Ross, Jeff and Mikey enough for the incredible support they have provided to me. Although we've all been extremely unfortunate in what's happened to us, I feel very fortunate to have them to look up to.

Happy 1st birthday Esmé. We will never forget you.

Mummy, Daddy and Marshall xxx