How to get support as a bereaved Dad

If you're a bereaved Dad and you're reading this, I'm very sorry for your loss. Please know that you're not alone in your journey. Support is there, and hopefully this blog and our podcast goes a small way to helping you along your journey.

I think it's safe to say that generally, men are terrible at getting the right support. Maybe it's an ego thing. Maybe it's being in denial. Maybe it's because you think you need to focus on your partner and not yourself.

As Dads, we obviously need to support our partners through this journey. That's part of our role. But, we shouldn't forget or ignore ourselves in the process.

Think of it this way - you can't help anyone unless you're okay in yourself. It's like when you're on an airplane and they tell you that when there's an emergency, you should put on your own oxygen mask before you help others do the same.

It's really easy to see helping yourself as selfish, and something you probably can't think about doing right now, especially when all your focus is either on your partner, on your grief or just trying to make it through the next hour. I know what that feels like.

Trust me when I say that you need to take that first step and get support for yourself, too. Even if you don't think you need to.

I hope this post gives you some ideas about how you can do that, especially if you've recently lost a child and you're not sure where to start. I've also put five clear things you can do to get support at the end of this post.

As we always say on this podcast - we're not trained professionals, we're just four bereaved Dads trying to navigate our way through baby loss. Although these are our experiences, there is no 'right' way of doing things and dealing with the death of a child, so please remember that these are only ideas. Do what you feel is right for you and your situation.

If you think that you're a danger to yourself or others, don't hesitate - call the emergency services.

Types of support

Getting support might look different to you, depending on your situation and what you resonate most with. There's also many types of support out there.

Here's a few avenues of support that you could choose to take in your baby loss journey:

Your GP or health professional

Depending on where you're from in the world (we're in the UK), you can also speak to your GP or health professional to get support. This could include getting a referral to local mental health support services, or discussing medication to help alleviate symptoms of low mood and depression in the aftermath of your loss. Your GP is there to help you and this is usually a good place to start.

Counselling

When my son Arthur died, we started off going to baby loss counselling as a couple, which then evolved into getting counselling individually. We did this with the charity Chums, who offer counselling to bereaved parents with a dedicated baby loss service. Counselling is really good for just letting everything out and having a conversational, open setting, where you're not going to get judged for anything you say. Our counsellor, Jan, really helped us navigate the initial emotions and grief, and gave us good advice along the way.

The regular counselling we had from Chums was probably the most helpful thing to my wife and I in the immediate aftermath of losing Arthur. We did this for a couple of years afterwards, moving to more ad-hoc sessions as time went on.

Group sessions

Chums also offer group counselling sessions. Which we found very useful at the start of our journey. It's an opportunity to speak with other parents who have experienced a loss, to hear their stories and share advice with other people. I found it really helpful hearing from a particular Dad who was a year ahead in his baby loss journey - having that knowledge that someone could make it through a whole year after losing their child and continue out the other side gave me a lot of hope in some of the darkest moments.

Some charities and organisations like Chums also offer dedicated Dads groups. In fact, that's how the Dads on this podcast met! These groups can be really helpful to Dads who would like to hear about baby loss from a partner's perspective, and to feel like they're not alone. We'd highly recommend going to one if you feel able to. It will feel very difficult at first, but for many of us it has become an essential part of our support structure.

Therapy

When you have suffered the trauma of losing a child, it can have lasting psychological effects that may need additional support. To give you an example - I always struggled with anxiety before losing Arthur, but my symptoms kicked up a gear when he died. To properly address topics like this, I needed more support that went further than counselling and talking therapies. I ended up going through this service in Bedfordshire after getting referred by my GP.

It can be seen as a bit of a taboo subject in itself, but it's completely okay to go to therapy - it's there to help you! I was against it initially (mainly an ego thing) and didn't think I needed it. But, looking back, it was really helpful to me and I'm so glad I pushed myself to take that step. Therapy like CBT can cover a wide range of areas such as anxiety, depression and low mood. It helps you to reframe your thoughts and manage them in a different, more constructive way.

Five ways to get support

As promised, here's five things you can do to get support after losing a child. I'd recommend doing all of these things one by one - getting support from multiple places is really

1. Contact your GP or health professional

   Start the conversation and get support in your local area. This may include getting signed off work, getting a referral to a dedicated mental health service or to discuss medication to help manage symptoms of trauma and grief.

   
   

2. Get in touch with a local charity

   Charities like Chums, Sands and Aching Arms are all here to help you with bereavement support and counselling. They've all helped the Dads on this podcast, and we're sure they'll be able to help you, too. You can search 'baby loss support' in Google or something similar to find support and organisations local to you, but many of them will provide support virtually, too.

   
   

3. Be open with your partner

   You will likely be each other's rock in this journey, but your capacity to support each other will of course change day-to-day depending on how you're both coping at that moment. Be open with them with your thoughts and feelings, they can understand what you need and how to best support you in any given moment. This could be as simple as saying "I'm really struggling with my grief/thoughts today", or acknowledging that you think you need more support. Understanding where you both are mentally is the foundation for knowing how to help each other. You're both a team, and supporting each other through the journey is so important.

   
   

4. Speak to your friends and family

   They're there to help you. Like we said on Series 1 Episode 5 of the podcast, some people may be better at giving you certain types of support than others. It's unlikely that one person will give you all the support you need. Having a coffee with a friend to take your mind off things, having a heart-to-heart with your best mate on the phone, or having a cry while chatting to your parents, are all completely okay and can help to take some of the weight off your shoulders.

   
   

5. Explore other resources

   Listen to the Brothers in Baby Loss podcast and other podcasts like ours. Social media channels such as Instagram and Facebook often have pages and communities of other bereaved parents that can help you to avoid feeling alone in your journey, and find comfort in speaking with others about your loss.

I hope you've found this post helpful. If you're looking for a sign to make the first step in getting support for yourself, this is it. Make that phone call. Send that email. I promise you it will help.

Stay tuned for more blog posts about baby loss from a Dads perspective. Follow us on Instagram @brothersinbabyloss and subscribe to the Brothers in Baby Loss podcast on Spotify or Apple.