June - Men’s Mental Health Month- Let’s Talk About It.

One in four people experience mental health problems of some kind in England each year. One in six experience common mental health problems each week. 

At any one time, it is believed that one in eight men have a common mental health problem, such as depression and/or anxiety.

There are many factors at play which can affect a man’s mental health such as physical health, environmental and social aspects. This is quite relevant when Babyloss heartbreakingly occurs as Dads are often overlooked.

I have struggled with my own Mental Health since I was very young, however, until Chester passed away, I hid this away from most people.

My childhood was turbulent, from a very young age, my life was very disrupted, although I do not question that there was love in our household, my childhood was a mix of violence and alcohol with my parents finally separating when I was 10 years of age.

During my teenage years, I always questioned whether the breakdown of my parent’s marriage was my fault, I was by no means a perfect child. I was very misunderstood, I was kind, gentle and compassionate to other kids but struggled to articulate my feelings and emotions in what was seen as an acceptable norm.

One of my classmates targeted and bullied me because my parents were separated, being 9 years old this confused me and made me internalise the blame for everything that was happening, this was the first time I remember mentally struggling and not being able to express what I felt. I tried to speak to those around me including my family and teachers. I was told that I was overreacting and being too sensitive. The result of this was me exploding and causing said bully some very significant harm which although stopped the bullying, it resulted in me being subjected to various assessments and tests as many experts tried to figure out why I had reacted the way I did.

Through my teenage years, which was the early to mid 90’s, I never knew what mental health was, I did not have the correct tools to understand or process how I felt, looking back now, I suspect I am on the spectrum somewhere but resisted all attempts from others to try and diagnose this.

I wore a mask to hide my mental struggles, well in fact I wore two and depending on who you were depended on which one you saw, there was the cheeky, live life fast and fuck the consequences persona, my aim was to please people, I thought if I could make people laugh, they would like me and that would make everything ok.

Into my twenties, nothing changed, at the beginning and end of the 00’s I experienced two life changing events, in 2001, after many years of ill health I was diagnosed with the lifelong illness Crohn’s disease. In 2008 at the age of 56 my father passed away after a short but complex battle with Cancer.

Both events impacted my mental health but in very differing ways, initially I struggled with the diagnosis of Crohn’s and embarked on a journey of what can only be described as self-destruction, both physically and mentally. To the outside I was managing and presented an image of being ok (again, the mask was fully active) but my life was chaotic, full of excesses which ultimately cumulated in various types of addiction  Only those who truly knew me, understood the internal battle and demons I faced and heartbreakingly as part of my self-sabotage I destroyed my first marriage. I was very promiscuous and behaved in a way in which I had seen in my childhood and believed that this was the way to be (even though, deep down I knew it was wrong).

I thought my late father’s passing in late 2008, was somewhat of a turning point. Just prior to his death I had made my peace with him, and I felt that I was in a place that he could no longer hurt me. At this point I believed that I had internally reconciled with myself that my mental heath was directly linked to my experience as a child. I thought I had cracked it, how wrong was I?

As my father took his last breaths, he asked me to make him 2 promises – 1) No matter what, I would always look after my brother (although he was older than me), my father believed that he was not worldly wise, as at the time, I was in the Police Force and I think this swayed his Judgement. 2) The second promise he asked was, that should I ever have a son that I name my first-born Jeffrey, (I was named after him, so it would be a tradition that we would carry on). I agreed to this, however, I also made myself the following promise, yes I would name my first-born Jeffrey, but, I would also ensure that I would not replicate the mistakes of the past and that if, I ever had the privilege of being a father, I would ensure that I was not the father mine was, I promised myself that I would be the father that I needed when I was young!!

Fast forward to 5th April 2018, and the greatest day of my life, our boy JJ (Junior Jeff) entered our lives 5 weeks early and with many complications. Whilst this was the greatest and proudest day of my life, the same doubts and questions were swirling around my mind. Would I be enough? Could I provide emotionally what he needs? Would I be able to keep the promise I made to myself and break the generational failings of my own father?

Soon after becoming a father, the world was turned upside down as Covid hit, followed by the subsequent, in my opinion overreaction of Lockdowns and restrictions that should have never been forced upon the public, the toll this took on my mental health was significant.

As the world was emerging out of Covid, following a round of IVF, I received the amazing news that I would soon be a father again, although this time it was double trouble, our twins were due in February 2022. At just shy of 29 weeks and after a very complicated birth Chester and Matilda made their debuts at 4.39pm & 4.41pm on Friday 17th December 2021.

From those that have listened to episodes 2 & 3 of season 1 of the Brothersinbabyloss Podcast will know, Chester’s heart had not formed properly and his time with us was very short, he took his last breath just after 4pm on Friday 31st December 2021, a few minutes short of 2 weeks old.

Matilda spent almost another two months in hospital, almost losing her own life twice. The following months became a blur, trying to adapt to the new normal, it was during this time that my mental health deteriorated to a level, that I had never experienced before. During this time, I felt like I had no support and that I had been deserted (looking back now, support was probably there, but I pushed it away).

The conversations inside my own mind were not pleasant, I blamed myself for Chester dying, I questioned everything I did, how could I have failed so badly, was I being punished for things that had happened in my earlier years.

Again, the mask appeared, to the outside I was fine, but inside I was gone, I was lost, I saw no hope in anything. I saw no point to life anymore, if I could not protect my children, then would it be better for them if I was no longer around. Was history repeating itself and was I displaying my father’s traits.

I keep a written journal and during these darkest times (I don’t know exactly when), I wrote the following – ‘No one gets it, I don’t want to be and feel this way, it is like my own mind will not let me breathe, Everything I do, everything I touch, makes me feel like I am failing. I second guess everything I do and say, I feel like I am walking on broken glass. I sleep but wake up tired, feeling like I am already losing the battle that day. When I try and talk about it, my words sound small and stupid, therefore, I just swallow them. I keep smiling, keep pretending. The simple truth is that I am stuck in a battle with myself every fucking day. Not because, I hate myself, but, because I do not know how to believe that I am enough’.

In the spring of 2024, I came to a point, where, my mental health was really suffering, I was able to function with normal activities and responsibilities but was entering some very dark places.

I knew, I had to get some help, whether that be professional or seeking support through other means. I started listening to a lot of podcasts mostly focusing on Babyloss from a Dads perspective and men’s mental health. I initially joined a Dads support group which is run by the Bereavement Charity Chums, through this group, I met Mikey, Ross and Dan who alongside myself are the founding (bereaved) fathers of the BrothersinBabyloss Podcast.

Through these various avenues, I have been able to create a support network for myself and others, that has been able to help me to start processing what happened with Chester and the doubts I have about my own abilities as a father.

I hope that I am keeping the promise I made to be the father that I needed when I was younger, but I have also learnt, that I also need to be the father, that JJ, Matilda and Chester need me to be.

Thankfully, I learnt that it helps to talk and reach out, even if it feels like sometimes that no one is listening. I would much rather a fellow Dad, a mate, a brother in babyloss, or anyone reaches out for a chat and a hug then for me to need to don that black suit one more time to say goodbye.

Further support can be found on the support section of the BrothersinBabyloss website -

https://www.brothersinbabyloss.com/support

Come on lads, let’s talk about it!

Jeff